Don't Try This At Home
by Laburnum Steelfang
Summary: Kinkmeme de-anon. America and Canada experiment, and America has to call England for help when painful things happen. AmeCan, warnings for non-explicit sex and really embarrassing injuries. Title is also a warning.


**Kinkmeme de-anon. Request: "What I want is to see one nation stick different items in the other nation's ass to find out what kind of limits he/she has. No toys please, just some random things laying in the house." The mentioned objects are all things that people have, allegedly, managed to lodge in their nether regions. Warnings for drug use and incredibly uncomfortable situations. Disclaimer: Do _not_ try this at home. Please.**

* * *

"Okay, now, Arthur, what you've gotta understand is it seemed like a really good idea at the time."

"So did eugenics, the atom bomb, and Kiku's yoghurt-flavoured Pepsi."

"Hey, I like yoghurt Pepsi."

"Whatever. Back to the explanation, please, Alfred."

"So Matt and I were watching porn and eating brownies-"

"Stop right there. Were these by any chance Matthew's 'special' brownies?"

"... yeah."

"Oh, this is going to be good."

"So the girl in the porn was using this vibrator and I swear it was as big as her leg-"

"TMI, Alfred."

"No no, this is relevant. So I said I could totally do that, and Matt said no way, and I said if he's managed Florida up-"

"I repeat, TMI. Also, I know for a fact his is bigger."

"Hey!"

"So how did this end with you needing to call me? If you're just bragging, I'll hex you."

"No, see, he bet me ten bucks I couldn't fit-"

"I'm not lending you money either."

"No, that's not it! Just listen, okay? So he bet me I couldn't fit anything wider than my fist in, uh, the Grand Canyon. We checked his toybox, but none of his were big enough because he's a big wuss- aw, Matt, c'mon! I'm trying to get us help here, stop complaining! - so we went looking for anything else that would work."

"Ah. Now I see where this is going."

"So I sorta tried to warm up with something smaller, and there was a cucumber in the fridge, so we grabbed that and the lube and-"

"Let me guess, it broke off inside and now it's stuck?"

"No way, I'm not that dumb!"

"No comment."

"Well, actually it did break, but we had put a condom over it, so we managed to remove it with no problem."

"I would say that was sensible of you, but if you were sensible you wouldn't be in this mess."

"So then I looked in the cupboard and found the drinking glasses, but Matt said glass was a bad idea, and he found a plastic tumbler."

"This is a better idea?"

"Well, it is less likely to break."

"And that got stuck?"

"No, that worked fine. Covered it with a condom, lubed it up, and-"

"Yeah, this is rapidly getting into TMI territory again. Back to the explanation?"

"So then Matt says that was impressive but it wasn't as big as my fist, so it didn't count, and I'd have to pay him. Then I found the peanut butter jar."

"Oh God."

"Family-sized jar, those are huge. And I remembered last time I had Matt's special brownies I got my hand stuck in one of those jars, so it's definitely bigger than my fist."

"Oh God, you never."

"Yeah. See, it was really uncomfortable, but I managed to get it in. But I was still kind of out of it from the brownies, and my fingers were slippery, and I pushed too hard, and it went in all the way. And we had stuck a condom over it, but when I tried to pull that out, the latex ripped."

"I hope you realise I'm cringing in sympathetic pain now."

"How do you think I feel? I'm the one with the jar in his ass!"

"Charming. So it's stuck, and you felt the need to ask me for help?"

"That's not the worst part. See, I couldn't reach, and Matt said he could get a better angle and his fingers are thinner than mine. So he tried to get it out, but the lube made it slippery, and we just managed to push it further in. So then we tried to use the kitchen tongs to get it out."

"... I hope you aren't planning to use them for cooking again."

"Like you'd notice a difference with the taste of your cooking."

"What was that, Alfred?"

"Nothing! Nothing. Uh, anyway, it gets worse. Matt's kitchen tongs aren't all metal, the grabby ends are plastic which slots over the metal bit. And-"

"Don't tell me, the plastic bits are no longer attached."

"Yeah. And they're kinda pointy. So it was about that time we decided it was time to ask for help."

"So why are you calling me instead of the hospital? If you're at Matthew's place you don't have the excuse of insurance problems."

"I don't wanna show up to the hospital smelling of Matt's brownies and with this stuck in me! Can't you tell me how to get it out?"

"What makes you think I would know?"

"C'mon, Ludwig told me about that time he captured you during the war and you managed to sneak a bowie knife into jail with you!"

"Yes, but sheathed knives are easier to get a grip on than lubed-up glass jars and I wasn't stoned off my head when I tried to remove it! Go to the hospital, for God's sake!"

"But how am I supposed to explain? I can't tell a human my brother was jamming stuff in me!"

"I don't know, tell them you slipped in the shower?"

"Why would I have a jar of peanut butter in the shower?"

"Because you're very obviously stoned?"

"I hate you."


End file.
